“Get Comfortable With Contradictions”

Be honest, when you woke up this morning the first question you asked yourself was what can I learn from Chinese dialectical epistemology? After your coffee, you rushed to your computer to scour the web for any answers you could get your hands on…

Chances are you probably didn’t wake up with that question rattling around in your head; but thankfully others have and there are some very interesting and potentially helpful insights to consider. The translation of these 50 cent words is simply this: the world is becoming more and more complex and as a result our daily lives are filled with inherent contradictions and conflicts that require a new kind of thinking to successfully manage them. Dialectical thinking means that we make room for alternative points of view or truths when considering a given experience in our daily lives.

Here’s a classic example: An individual may have a moral opposition to killing; however, they may also silently applaud a peaceful person’s effort to switch off the life-support of a spouse who is suffering beyond relief from terminal illness. In this example, how can both be true? Is the person a walking contradiction of their own values?

In the workplace, a supervisor is committed to the fair treatment of all employees regarding standard policies and procedures. Despite the fact that no employee is permitted to take time off without a written request at least two weeks in advance, the supervisor approves time off for an employee that urgently requests time due to an unforeseen and urgent family matter. Does this choice make the boss an unfair person? As a result has she compromised her integrity as a leader?

These two examples lead us back to the burning question you may or may not have woken up with this morning. There are three principles of Chinese dialectical epistemology that can help us make sense of these conundrums. First, reality is a dynamic process of continuous change. Second, reality is always full of ambiguity and contradiction. And third, everything is connected to everything else. These three Eastern principles contradict more Western ways of thinking that suggest everything is what it is (A = A) and because of the law of noncontradiction, no statement can be both true and false. Because dialectical thinking is not a convenient set of rules or principles as such, however, it can be harder to understand.

Embracing dialectical thinking is not to suggest that our closest values and principles should be rationalized away in a given situation. Instead, if we are able to use formal logic and Western thinking for basic problem solving (i.e. finding misplaced car keys), dialectical thinking will be more helpful with big-picture questions that touch as at a deeper level. Although they may be confusing, living with these contradictions can expose our deeper motivations, values and choices and may help us to identify what is really going on in a given situation.

Recognizing the continuous flow of change and the interconnectedness of situations also helps us to focus on the big picture and long-term impact of our decisions. Dialectical thinking can be helpful in a variety of everyday experiences. When faced with a really confusing situation, sometimes it feels better just to state the contradiction out loud. By exploring multiple perspectives, we often get out from under the pressure to find the one “right answer” and can find the most reasonable reconciliation of diverse options. Imagine what’s possible when we get comfortable with contradictions and seek the best answers to problems.

“Will You Notice Your Breakthrough?”

In a recent coaching session I worked with a client who was in the process of pondering a significant life change. She expressed a deep level of frustration and confusion concerning the direction she should take. The stress of being in limbo seemed to only add to the urgency and frustration of her situation. At stake was the classic choice of “taking the leap” vs. “staying put and playing it safe”. Rather than keeping the conversation at the intellectual level, I shifted directions and asked her what she noticed when she imagined saying yes and moving forward with the decision. I then asked her what she noticed about her body language, tone of voice and general mood when she pondered the no decision.

After a few minutes of reflecting, she said “When I think about the yes decision, I become excited…I feel energetic and alive…and I straighten right up…When I imagine saying no, I slump down a bit and I feel tired and frustrated”. Following up I asked her what she thought her physiology was telling her that her brain could not. At this point, she got the breakthrough that she was looking for and made her decision. I don’t think she would have arrived at that point unless she stopped to notice the subtle signs that were all around her.

How do you determine the critical choices you need to make in life? Perhaps the more practical decisions are informed by what you can rationally decide through your own assumptions, logic and reasoning. But what about those tricky decisions that tie you up in knots and leave you stranded at the crossroads?

If you are at a juncture in life where you want to make a change or decision of some kind, it’s important to avoid an all too familiar trap that distracts us from noticing the important, but subtle pieces of the puzzle. I call this distraction “expecting a revelation”. It’s the expectation that we must have a “big discovery” or a “life-changing confirmation” in the form of a lighting bolt, which will somehow illuminate the path forward. By setting our sights on this big moment in the sky, unfortunately we can miss the opportunity to notice the stream of quieter moments that often hold the key we’re waiting on.

If you’re hoping to find a way through a conflict, tune in to an inner gut feeling about a decision you need to make, or discover a path toward reaching your goals, following these steps may help you notice that the answer is right in front of you:

- First, make a conscious choice to set aside the analysis and self-talk in order to listen for something new;

- Next, take a few minutes to simply listen to what you feel as you reflect on the various aspects of the issue or decision you’re faced with – there’s no need to label or interpret the feelings at this point, the goal is to become aware of them;

- Next, think about moving along a continuum from 1) unconscious awareness about your thoughts and feelings to 2) noticing, then to 3) focused attention on the insights behind your thoughts and feelings; and

- Finally, because it’s usually the internal obstacles that hold us up more than the external ones, bring intentional focus and attention on any remaining concerns or doubts. Noticing and focusing on these can reveal new understanding, angles and insights that you can then integrate it into your larger process of decision-making.

At the end of the day, we have a measure of choice and control over what we are aware of, but what we are unaware of controls us. To access the subtle insights that can help you navigate the day-to-day relationships, interactions and decisions you’re faced with, try the simple act of noticing and becoming more aware of the feelings and impulses of your experience. They will inform your actions and decisions in positive ways. Imagine what’s possible when we focus our attention on the little things that allow us to notice the breakthrough we seek.

“What’s Your Formula For Success?”

For many people, the reasons behind our success or failure in managing the day-to-day demands of life feel mysterious and difficult to understand. Not only are there the everyday challenges to contend with, but often we experience emergencies that require additional energy to address. When you take these demands and consider the added dimension of our goals and aspirations for the future, it can feel overwhelming to find a path forward.

When coaching a person or consulting with an organization that is having a hard time meeting the on-going demands of their circumstances, I invite them to make an honest assessment of their formula for success. Borrowing from the psychologist and researcher Howard McClusky’s theory of margin, we can identify the fundamental variables that influence their success. If they are not achieving at the level they want, the simple formula indicates what changes could be made to improve results and create greater satisfaction.

The formula looks something like this: LOAD/POWER = MARGIN. Load represents the total internal self and external social demands that must be met in the course of living (i.e. family and career obligations as well as goals and personal expectations, etc.). Power is equivalent to the resources we have at our disposal to meet those demands (i.e. financial resources, time, supportive relationships, accumulated skills, resiliency, etc.). Margin is the excess of power at our disposal that can be utilized to meet both expected and unexpected challenges that arise.

Obviously, a person with a high margin of excess power is in a better position to successfully adjust to emergencies that arise, as well as to apply their surplus power to new areas of growth and development. When a person or organization’s load is much greater than the available reserve of power, the inverse margin can create tremendous stress and limited success. The question becomes how can we increase our power or decrease our load so that our margin for success grows?

After taking an inventory of all the factors pertaining to their load and power, I then ask the client to create a start doing and stop doing list. This list becomes a guide for selectively reducing the load factors and intentionally surrounding them with power factors to get their margin into better balance. The conversation could go something like this:

- Client: I have way too much on my plate right now to be successful at the things that matter most!

- Coach: Okay, let’s take a look at everything on your plate and prioritize your commitment to these things. This will give you the chance to let go of responsibilities that are negotiable.

- Client: Okay, as much as I would like to hold on to this, I guess I need to let go of activity x.

- Coach: Good, now that you’ve looked at the LOAD factors, let’s look at ways to shore up resources and increase your POWER. What available or easily acquired resources could we add to help you in your everyday experiences?

- Client: I never ask my colleagues for advice and they are much more experienced than me. Also, I forget that I have paid time off that I never take – maybe I should give myself some down time between big projects.

- Coach: Great, what else?

As this conversation progresses, ideally the MARGIN gets into a better balance and the client is now aware of a tool they can use to identify and improve their formula for success. Imagine what’s possible when you adjust your formula for greater success.