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“In Tough Times...Recover Your Balance!”

Show of hands, who’s feeling a bit squeezed by the challenge and uncertainty of the times? Based on what I hear in business and around the community, “a bit squeezed” is putting it mildly. In fact, many of us are feeling downright crushed by the pressure and concern over the shrinking economy, widespread environmental catastrophes and political instability. How can we still work and live at our best in these tough times? Recover our balance!

It’s a conundrum that many of us face in trying circumstances. When things are difficult and risky, we naturally want to make the right decision and take the right course of action because the margin for error is narrow. In other words, if we don’t get it right, we could really get it wrong. In many ways this “black and white” thinking creates an impossible expectation.

Finding the “right” answer is a tricky proposition in tough times because circumstances tend to be ambiguous and constantly changing. These swirling conditions are often immune to our logic, making our search for the “right” decision or action very difficult. Although we desperately desire the sure thing and a successful outcome, our modern world is sometimes too unpredictable to define in this way.

We can do ourselves a favor by reframing our pursuit of the “right choice” to the search for the “best choice”. The best choice is not about perfection; rather it is about finding the most reasonable path forward in a given situation based on what you know at a given point in time.

The key to finding the “best choice” in a fast-changing world is balance. Finding our balance is walking the tightrope of life, acknowledging that the only certain thing is uncertainty. To help you thrive in the uncertainty and move past the “black or white” and “right or wrong” kind of thinking, consider the following pairs of opposites. Because they exist on a continuum, they can remind us that in order to find our balance it’s not one or the other, but somewhere in between:

• Microscopes and Telescopes – Think small and focus on the details while visioning big and thinking long-term.
• Rudders and Sails – Take calculated and careful direction while allowing passion and wide ideas to flow.
• Caring for Yourself and Helping Others – Make sure your own needs are met while giving support to others.
• Hard Work and Lucky Breaks – Put your nose to the grindstone and make it happen while hoping for fortunate timing.

Although it can be confusing to live in the ambiguity, the search for balance along the continuum will help you navigate the grey areas in light of your deeper priorities. Choosing an absolute or polar opposite only serves to limit the important insight from the other end of the spectrum. However, if we are able to consider both opposite ends simultaneously, we can find a unique place on the continuum that blends them both. By continually asking the questions “where am I and where do I want to be” in time we can get clear about what matters most.

The next time you feel off balance and need to make a difficult decision, let go of the desire and pressure to find the one “right answer”. Instead, weigh your continuum of ideas and choices and settle on a reasonable reconciliation of your options. Imagine what’s possible when we find our balance and confidently move forward with the “best choice” all things considered.

“The Knowing-Doing Gap”

Each year more than $60 billion dollars is spent on training programs in and by organizations in the United States. It is estimated that an additional $46 billion is spent on various types of consultants who offer their advice to individual and organizational clients. The question is, are these dollars well spent? When people attend trainings, workshops and retreats, or work with consultants to address problems, do they take the new information, knowledge and skills and implement them back in the workplace?

While we learn valuable new ideas and skills at these events, we often become quickly and painfully aware of the challenge of turning them into real changes. This gap between knowing and doing is something that must be understood and addressed if our money spent on training and development is going to be worth the investment.

While the gap is widely experienced, it is surprisingly under-researched. A promising long-term goal is to develop a research-based model to help people understand and close their gaps. In the meantime, I offer the following insight as a starting place to help you turn ideas into action.

I use a simple formula to understand what the nature of the gap is:

Understanding of knowledge/skill + motivation to improve – internal/external obstacles = GAP

This equation illustrates the variables involved and it can be used in the form of questions to guide our thinking both before and after a training or other learning event. Questions like: How well do I understand the topic and how can I improve my knowledge of it? What is my current level of motivation and will that be sufficient when the initial excitement wanes? What are some obstacles to be aware of in changing behaviors or implementing change?

In addition to the above formula and questions, consider the following reminders as well:

Measure your goals on the substance of new knowledge and skill, not on excitement alone. We often experience a let down in motivation as we return to the “real world” and confront the obstacles to implementing new ideas and making real changes. Therefore, as we focus energy and attention on understanding and surrendering to the obstacles that could prevent us from “doing”, we are able to apply our motivation and excitement and keep our anticipated goals in proper perspective.

Start small and be specific. One of the biggest culprits of the “retreat letdown” or knowing-doing gap is the lofty expectation of how much new information/behavior can be implemented. Behavior change takes time and can best be accomplished in focused, incremental spurts. Start small, take one thing at a time and don’t give up.

Take a positive learning attitude. When you find obstacles to implementing new knowledge/skills, try to assess why the block is there. Avoid turning negative and becoming pessimistic. Imagine what’s possible when we can close or eliminate the gap between knowing and doing...

“Get Comfortable With Contradictions”

Be honest, when you woke up this morning the first question you asked yourself was what can I learn from Chinese dialectical epistemology? After your coffee, you rushed to your computer to scour the web for any answers you could get your hands on…

Chances are you probably didn’t wake up with that question rattling around in your head; but thankfully others have and there are some very interesting and potentially helpful insights to consider. The translation of these 50 cent words is simply this: the world is becoming more and more complex and as a result our daily lives are filled with inherent contradictions and conflicts that require a new kind of thinking to successfully manage them. Dialectical thinking means that we make room for alternative points of view or truths when considering a given experience in our daily lives.

Here’s a classic example: An individual may have a moral opposition to killing; however, they may also silently applaud a peaceful person’s effort to switch off the life-support of a spouse who is suffering beyond relief from terminal illness. In this example, how can both be true? Is the person a walking contradiction of their own values?

In the workplace, a supervisor is committed to the fair treatment of all employees regarding standard policies and procedures. Despite the fact that no employee is permitted to take time off without a written request at least two weeks in advance, the supervisor approves time off for an employee that urgently requests time due to an unforeseen and urgent family matter. Does this choice make the boss an unfair person? As a result has she compromised her integrity as a leader?

These two examples lead us back to the burning question you may or may not have woken up with this morning. There are three principles of Chinese dialectical epistemology that can help us make sense of these conundrums. First, reality is a dynamic process of continuous change. Second, reality is always full of ambiguity and contradiction. And third, everything is connected to everything else. These three Eastern principles contradict more Western ways of thinking that suggest everything is what it is (A = A) and because of the law of noncontradiction, no statement can be both true and false. Because dialectical thinking is not a convenient set of rules or principles as such, however, it can be harder to understand.

Embracing dialectical thinking is not to suggest that our closest values and principles should be rationalized away in a given situation. Instead, if we are able to use formal logic and Western thinking for basic problem solving (i.e. finding misplaced car keys), dialectical thinking will be more helpful with big-picture questions that touch as at a deeper level. Although they may be confusing, living with these contradictions can expose our deeper motivations, values and choices and may help us to identify what is really going on in a given situation.

Recognizing the continuous flow of change and the interconnectedness of situations also helps us to focus on the big picture and long-term impact of our decisions. Dialectical thinking can be helpful in a variety of everyday experiences. When faced with a really confusing situation, sometimes it feels better just to state the contradiction out loud. By exploring multiple perspectives, we often get out from under the pressure to find the one “right answer” and can find the most reasonable reconciliation of diverse options. Imagine what’s possible when we get comfortable with contradictions and seek the best answers to problems.

“Will You Notice Your Breakthrough?”

In a recent coaching session I worked with a client who was in the process of pondering a significant life change. She expressed a deep level of frustration and confusion concerning the direction she should take. The stress of being in limbo seemed to only add to the urgency and frustration of her situation. At stake was the classic choice of “taking the leap” vs. “staying put and playing it safe”. Rather than keeping the conversation at the intellectual level, I shifted directions and asked her what she noticed when she imagined saying yes and moving forward with the decision. I then asked her what she noticed about her body language, tone of voice and general mood when she pondered the no decision.

After a few minutes of reflecting, she said “When I think about the yes decision, I become excited…I feel energetic and alive…and I straighten right up…When I imagine saying no, I slump down a bit and I feel tired and frustrated”. Following up I asked her what she thought her physiology was telling her that her brain could not. At this point, she got the breakthrough that she was looking for and made her decision. I don’t think she would have arrived at that point unless she stopped to notice the subtle signs that were all around her.

How do you determine the critical choices you need to make in life? Perhaps the more practical decisions are informed by what you can rationally decide through your own assumptions, logic and reasoning. But what about those tricky decisions that tie you up in knots and leave you stranded at the crossroads?

If you are at a juncture in life where you want to make a change or decision of some kind, it’s important to avoid an all too familiar trap that distracts us from noticing the important, but subtle pieces of the puzzle. I call this distraction “expecting a revelation”. It’s the expectation that we must have a “big discovery” or a “life-changing confirmation” in the form of a lighting bolt, which will somehow illuminate the path forward. By setting our sights on this big moment in the sky, unfortunately we can miss the opportunity to notice the stream of quieter moments that often hold the key we’re waiting on.

If you’re hoping to find a way through a conflict, tune in to an inner gut feeling about a decision you need to make, or discover a path toward reaching your goals, following these steps may help you notice that the answer is right in front of you:

- First, make a conscious choice to set aside the analysis and self-talk in order to listen for something new;

- Next, take a few minutes to simply listen to what you feel as you reflect on the various aspects of the issue or decision you’re faced with – there’s no need to label or interpret the feelings at this point, the goal is to become aware of them;

- Next, think about moving along a continuum from 1) unconscious awareness about your thoughts and feelings to 2) noticing, then to 3) focused attention on the insights behind your thoughts and feelings; and

- Finally, because it’s usually the internal obstacles that hold us up more than the external ones, bring intentional focus and attention on any remaining concerns or doubts. Noticing and focusing on these can reveal new understanding, angles and insights that you can then integrate it into your larger process of decision-making.

At the end of the day, we have a measure of choice and control over what we are aware of, but what we are unaware of controls us. To access the subtle insights that can help you navigate the day-to-day relationships, interactions and decisions you’re faced with, try the simple act of noticing and becoming more aware of the feelings and impulses of your experience. They will inform your actions and decisions in positive ways. Imagine what’s possible when we focus our attention on the little things that allow us to notice the breakthrough we seek.

“What’s Your Formula For Success?”

For many people, the reasons behind our success or failure in managing the day-to-day demands of life feel mysterious and difficult to understand. Not only are there the everyday challenges to contend with, but often we experience emergencies that require additional energy to address. When you take these demands and consider the added dimension of our goals and aspirations for the future, it can feel overwhelming to find a path forward.

When coaching a person or consulting with an organization that is having a hard time meeting the on-going demands of their circumstances, I invite them to make an honest assessment of their formula for success. Borrowing from the psychologist and researcher Howard McClusky’s theory of margin, we can identify the fundamental variables that influence their success. If they are not achieving at the level they want, the simple formula indicates what changes could be made to improve results and create greater satisfaction.

The formula looks something like this: LOAD/POWER = MARGIN. Load represents the total internal self and external social demands that must be met in the course of living (i.e. family and career obligations as well as goals and personal expectations, etc.). Power is equivalent to the resources we have at our disposal to meet those demands (i.e. financial resources, time, supportive relationships, accumulated skills, resiliency, etc.). Margin is the excess of power at our disposal that can be utilized to meet both expected and unexpected challenges that arise.

Obviously, a person with a high margin of excess power is in a better position to successfully adjust to emergencies that arise, as well as to apply their surplus power to new areas of growth and development. When a person or organization’s load is much greater than the available reserve of power, the inverse margin can create tremendous stress and limited success. The question becomes how can we increase our power or decrease our load so that our margin for success grows?

After taking an inventory of all the factors pertaining to their load and power, I then ask the client to create a start doing and stop doing list. This list becomes a guide for selectively reducing the load factors and intentionally surrounding them with power factors to get their margin into better balance. The conversation could go something like this:

- Client: I have way too much on my plate right now to be successful at the things that matter most!

- Coach: Okay, let’s take a look at everything on your plate and prioritize your commitment to these things. This will give you the chance to let go of responsibilities that are negotiable.

- Client: Okay, as much as I would like to hold on to this, I guess I need to let go of activity x.

- Coach: Good, now that you’ve looked at the LOAD factors, let’s look at ways to shore up resources and increase your POWER. What available or easily acquired resources could we add to help you in your everyday experiences?

- Client: I never ask my colleagues for advice and they are much more experienced than me. Also, I forget that I have paid time off that I never take – maybe I should give myself some down time between big projects.

- Coach: Great, what else?

As this conversation progresses, ideally the MARGIN gets into a better balance and the client is now aware of a tool they can use to identify and improve their formula for success. Imagine what’s possible when you adjust your formula for greater success.

“Make All Your Words Count When They Matter Most”

Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships.

All of our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives.

It is important to recognize the influence of every day conversations, even when they don’t rise to the level of the dreaded “difficult conversation”. How many times have you been in a discussion about a problem that starts with “we should have talked about this sooner, but...”? It is the everyday conversations that help us avoid this type of pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. But how can we talk about things sooner before they rise to the level of a problem or crisis? We can do that by learning, practicing and consistently using a conversation format that helps us communicate effectively.

The following is a simplified version of this format that can be used for a variety of conversations. Try it out by jotting down a few key words or phrases in each area prior to your interaction.

Step 1) Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms

Step 2) Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation

Step 3) Make a clear request and state what you want

Step 4) Ask for a response

Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through steps 1 – 4. Finally, as you put the above conversation structure into practice, be sure to avoid the following pitfalls:

Being overly casual – failing to recognize the right moment to say even the simplest things in a meaningful way is a missed opportunity that rarely comes back around.

Listening poorly and worrying too much about what you are going to say – every conversation is a two-way street and the importance of listening cannot be overstated. Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak; it is the act of suspending your own thought process to understand others’ perspectives.

Feeling defensive – when defensiveness kicks in, we tend to revert to unproductive forms of communication that stall our conversations. Rather than judging, threatening or diagnosing their behavior out of defensiveness, try to respond with empathy.

In our personal and business pursuits, we often lose sight of the importance of these simple conversations that serve as the foundation for our relationships. Lee Iacocca said that “Business, after all, is nothing more than a bunch of human relationships”. The next time you have the opportunity to build a deeper and stronger personal or business relationship through a conversation, imagine what’s possible when we make every word count when it matters most.

“Keep Your Composure When The Pressure is On” - By Jesse Sostrin

In sports, an indispensable key to success is the ability to maintain composure and execute your objectives in the face of intense pressure. I can still hear the surly words of my college lacrosse coach as I’m being surrounded by three aggressive defenders: “Sostrin, composure! You dictate where you’re going, not the other way around!”

This lesson from sports is quite applicable to our experiences in the workplace – particularly in today’s age of rapid change, shrinking resources and increasing demands. Rather than being reactive and letting the onslaught of challenging circumstances dictate our course, we can keep our composure and remain focused on our goals and objectives.

Challenges to our composure are everywhere. Anytime we experience a disagreement or conflict, a clash of personality, external pressures like tight timelines and tight budgets, or anytime someone else makes us the object of their unhappiness, the pressure is on. I would argue that composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful managers and employees and that if we cultivate it intentionally we can improve our success.

When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. Our composure can unravel in the moment when our knee-jerk reactions and self-talk turn negative. Thoughts such as “This hassle is the last thing I need right now…I don’t deserve this aggravation…and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now” are personal reactions that distract from the challenge at hand and may do more to psych us out of proactive action than the issue itself.

If you need it, go ahead and give yourself a minute to sulk and feel like things aren’t fair. But once that minute of indulgence has passed, breathe deep and let it go, accepting the situation as it is for what it is. While some people seem to effortlessly exude cool, calm and collected attitudes, others need to work a little harder on it. Either way, consistently maintaining our composure is something we can all do. The following tips will help you step up when it’s crunch time crunch:

- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;

- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;

- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;

- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and

- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.

You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others. Imagine what’s possible when we rise to the occasion and keep our composure when the pressure is on.

Welcom to "Fresh Directions"

May 15, 2008 - San Luis Obispo, CA

This is the inaugural post on my new blog - Fresh Directions. After publishing several years worth of columns, white papers and other helpful resources, I wanted to find a place to put it all and make it easily accessible to others. I hope you will find insights that help you develop more productive relationships at home, at work and around the community!

I also want to create an open forum to receive feedback from my readers and clients. Your input will help shape the different posts and future columns that I write so please share your thoughts and perspectives freely.