“Make All Your Words Count When They Matter Most”

Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships.

All of our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives.

It is important to recognize the influence of every day conversations, even when they don’t rise to the level of the dreaded “difficult conversation”. How many times have you been in a discussion about a problem that starts with “we should have talked about this sooner, but...”? It is the everyday conversations that help us avoid this type of pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. But how can we talk about things sooner before they rise to the level of a problem or crisis? We can do that by learning, practicing and consistently using a conversation format that helps us communicate effectively.

The following is a simplified version of this format that can be used for a variety of conversations. Try it out by jotting down a few key words or phrases in each area prior to your interaction.

Step 1) Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms

Step 2) Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation

Step 3) Make a clear request and state what you want

Step 4) Ask for a response

Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through steps 1 – 4. Finally, as you put the above conversation structure into practice, be sure to avoid the following pitfalls:

Being overly casual – failing to recognize the right moment to say even the simplest things in a meaningful way is a missed opportunity that rarely comes back around.

Listening poorly and worrying too much about what you are going to say – every conversation is a two-way street and the importance of listening cannot be overstated. Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak; it is the act of suspending your own thought process to understand others’ perspectives.

Feeling defensive – when defensiveness kicks in, we tend to revert to unproductive forms of communication that stall our conversations. Rather than judging, threatening or diagnosing their behavior out of defensiveness, try to respond with empathy.

In our personal and business pursuits, we often lose sight of the importance of these simple conversations that serve as the foundation for our relationships. Lee Iacocca said that “Business, after all, is nothing more than a bunch of human relationships”. The next time you have the opportunity to build a deeper and stronger personal or business relationship through a conversation, imagine what’s possible when we make every word count when it matters most.