“Make All Your Words Count When They Matter Most”

Our personal and professional success can be measured in large part by the quality of our relationships.

All of our relationships flourish and decline one conversation at a time and the artfulness and courage to have these conversations in positive, constructive ways gives us an immediate opportunity to reach greater levels of success in all aspects of our lives.

It is important to recognize the influence of every day conversations, even when they don’t rise to the level of the dreaded “difficult conversation”. How many times have you been in a discussion about a problem that starts with “we should have talked about this sooner, but...”? It is the everyday conversations that help us avoid this type of pent up frustration of things left unsaid or misunderstood. But how can we talk about things sooner before they rise to the level of a problem or crisis? We can do that by learning, practicing and consistently using a conversation format that helps us communicate effectively.

The following is a simplified version of this format that can be used for a variety of conversations. Try it out by jotting down a few key words or phrases in each area prior to your interaction.

Step 1) Describe the situation, including specific behaviors, in objective terms

Step 2) Put words to your feelings and express the impact of the situation

Step 3) Make a clear request and state what you want

Step 4) Ask for a response

Prior to the conversation, determine what an ideal time and place is and who needs to be a part of the conversation. And if you can, practice the conversation out loud by walking through steps 1 – 4. Finally, as you put the above conversation structure into practice, be sure to avoid the following pitfalls:

Being overly casual – failing to recognize the right moment to say even the simplest things in a meaningful way is a missed opportunity that rarely comes back around.

Listening poorly and worrying too much about what you are going to say – every conversation is a two-way street and the importance of listening cannot be overstated. Listening is not simply waiting for your turn to speak; it is the act of suspending your own thought process to understand others’ perspectives.

Feeling defensive – when defensiveness kicks in, we tend to revert to unproductive forms of communication that stall our conversations. Rather than judging, threatening or diagnosing their behavior out of defensiveness, try to respond with empathy.

In our personal and business pursuits, we often lose sight of the importance of these simple conversations that serve as the foundation for our relationships. Lee Iacocca said that “Business, after all, is nothing more than a bunch of human relationships”. The next time you have the opportunity to build a deeper and stronger personal or business relationship through a conversation, imagine what’s possible when we make every word count when it matters most.

“Keep Your Composure When The Pressure is On” - By Jesse Sostrin

In sports, an indispensable key to success is the ability to maintain composure and execute your objectives in the face of intense pressure. I can still hear the surly words of my college lacrosse coach as I’m being surrounded by three aggressive defenders: “Sostrin, composure! You dictate where you’re going, not the other way around!”

This lesson from sports is quite applicable to our experiences in the workplace – particularly in today’s age of rapid change, shrinking resources and increasing demands. Rather than being reactive and letting the onslaught of challenging circumstances dictate our course, we can keep our composure and remain focused on our goals and objectives.

Challenges to our composure are everywhere. Anytime we experience a disagreement or conflict, a clash of personality, external pressures like tight timelines and tight budgets, or anytime someone else makes us the object of their unhappiness, the pressure is on. I would argue that composure is one of the most underrated traits of successful managers and employees and that if we cultivate it intentionally we can improve our success.

When we lose our composure, our attitudes and behaviors recede into a realm of reactionary, often personality driven behaviors. Rather than assertively working toward a solution, our flustered and disjointed actions can inflame the situation and ultimately take more energy than just dealing with the problem directly. Our composure can unravel in the moment when our knee-jerk reactions and self-talk turn negative. Thoughts such as “This hassle is the last thing I need right now…I don’t deserve this aggravation…and I shouldn’t have to be dealing with this right now” are personal reactions that distract from the challenge at hand and may do more to psych us out of proactive action than the issue itself.

If you need it, go ahead and give yourself a minute to sulk and feel like things aren’t fair. But once that minute of indulgence has passed, breathe deep and let it go, accepting the situation as it is for what it is. While some people seem to effortlessly exude cool, calm and collected attitudes, others need to work a little harder on it. Either way, consistently maintaining our composure is something we can all do. The following tips will help you step up when it’s crunch time crunch:

- Give yourself a minute to vent and collect yourself;

- Assess the situation objectively and don’t let your own or someone else’s personal reaction cloud things;

- Gather all relevant information to understand the issue;

- Look at the deeper root cause of the problem and don’t get distracted by emotional interpretations of it; and

- Lead by example and take simple, focused action on what can be influenced.

You can tell you are composed when you breathe easily, remain centered and acknowledge the pressure and challenge of the moment without adding to it with your own angst. Keeping your composure is not only a key for your own individual success, but by example it can also inspire confidence in others. Imagine what’s possible when we rise to the occasion and keep our composure when the pressure is on.

Welcom to "Fresh Directions"

May 15, 2008 - San Luis Obispo, CA

This is the inaugural post on my new blog - Fresh Directions. After publishing several years worth of columns, white papers and other helpful resources, I wanted to find a place to put it all and make it easily accessible to others. I hope you will find insights that help you develop more productive relationships at home, at work and around the community!

I also want to create an open forum to receive feedback from my readers and clients. Your input will help shape the different posts and future columns that I write so please share your thoughts and perspectives freely.